| ................. |
[04 Jun 2004|10:46am] |
I'm like, more depressed than ever. DAMN FEELINGS TO HELL.
I'm not mad at you cowboy. I fucking love you.
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| Therapy |
[01 Jun 2004|05:17am] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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Smile Empty Soul-This is war |
] |
Also the title of a Smile Empty Soul song. *nods*
Ah, the drama of High School. It never ceases to amaze me. Nothing actually amazes me anymore....*sigh* I hate my life. I hate acting like I'm happy cause' I'm not...at all. I felt like crying during math today but I kept on my HAPPY face and pretended like everything was OK. Nothing is OK anymore....ARGH. I let out the loudest scream last night...I was so frustrated......I still am. -.-
........................................
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| PEOPLE |
[31 May 2004|06:59am] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
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music |
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Robbie Williams-Feel |
] |
Ignorance is the bane of us all.
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| --.-- |
[28 May 2004|05:20am] |
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Meh. I'm not feeling to good right now and I DON'T KNOW WHY. I hate weekends..........well, I HATE fridays with a passion. FUCK guitar. I want to go out tomorrow and get wasted with my date. I don't care anymore. I'm depressed and maybe drugs will help.
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| NFG!!! |
[25 May 2004|07:46pm] |
OMGGGG!!!! Haha....WEEEEE! SO close yet sooo far!
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| Oh right.... |
[23 May 2004|01:22am] |
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mood |
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 numb |
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music |
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Britney Spears-Shadow |
] |
I have to write in this thing. Haha. I almost forgot and just went to bed. Um...nothing really happened today. Went out with my family and ate at an annoying place. I HATE COUNTRY MUSIC. *calms down* I think I'm going to go gouge my eyes out with a rusty fork. Seriously. I'm already blind to other people's emotions why not go all the way?
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| BOOHAHA |
[21 May 2004|11:05pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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music |
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Moulin Rouge- El tango de Roxanne |
] |
Seeking person to model FOR a novice photo shoot I shall be having. Haha. I know some of my friends read this and I would be honored if ANY of you are interested. Nothing to fancy but I figure I might as well ask. I was going to ask a certain cowboy but he's been AWOL all weekend. He's shexy and if it takes a photo shoot to help him know that I shall do just that.
Anyway, this weekend has been fun. I've hardly been home and haven't had to interact with my parents much. I do however have to go out to lunch with them and my granparents from 12-3ish but then I have the rest of the day to go out. haha. NO HOME. I hate being home. Home is evil. VERY evil. Maybe for my photo shoot if the person I have in mind doesn't want to do it, I can ask this girl named Sarah if I can borrow any of her sexy gay models to do my bidding. I mean, she does nude photography...how fucking awesome is that? She's only a tenth grader too. LOL. She has some hot male friends. *wink wink nudge nudge* Too bad they're all GAY. Anyway, I'm soooo tired and need to consult some people about this shoot and get some advice on some things. I want to be a photographer and my hands are just aching to be able to capture things on film...or digital camera. Lol. Seriously, I'm like all nuts about doing so. I could easily get somebody I don't know to model for me but I'd rather it be someone I do know. I could put an ad in the paper if that's all I wanted, a model. But for my first real shoot I want somebody I know so I don't spaz out. SPAZ OUT. I want to like, be a professional someday and do nudey pictures for upscale magazines. Or half naked. A&F shoots. God, I'd be in heaven. No pun intended. That's what my heaven would be like. *licks lips* Half naked guys and girls. Hot ones at that.
Starsky and Hutch was alright. CARMEN ELECTRA AND (Amy Smart I think) MADE OUT. IT WAS SO HOT. Will Ferrel IS GREAT. Oh my god, Big Earl..right? Or am I wrong? Anyway, I hope I'm right. Kristin, me, cathy, and Nicole. One big loud group of people. We all wanted to leave but stayed for the last 20minutes. I was sooo hyper. I still am. I need to sleep tonight though or I'll be dead tired tomorrow and I SO WANT TO SEE DAWN OF THE DEAD. I'd just go during the week but NO ONE is ever allowed to go out during the week except me. Although I'm a fucking failure in school my parents tend to forget about that and let me be. Haha, I scared everyone in the mall. I'm so loud and forgot to wear a shirt underneath my jacket so I kept unzipping it and rezipping it in front of people. It was too funny. I was like, the whore who wouldn't put out. haha. I'm a spaaaaaz. I need sleep or something like that. I'm writing a whole bunch because I have nothing better to do and I know no one whose gotten to this point in my ramblings does either. LOVE YOU whoever you may be.
Can I constantly say how many HOT gay guys there are? Jeeze. I must have seen like, three at the mall. Lol. I know, not a lot but they were on FIRE. haha. The cops were looking for someone too....wait, why did I start a new paragraph to just say more crap like I did in the third? Well I don't know. Someone once told me that-that-that i write to much. I love writing. Why? Because I'm an idiot who has nothing better to do when I actually do have something better to do I just don't feel like doing it at all. I DO I DO I DO I DO I DO I DO I DO. I sound like I'm getting married. I wish I was. Wait, no I don't. I'm too young to be tied down to one person the rest of my fucking life. I have no life. Why does it matter? What is life anyway but simple moments put together in one long strand. God, I hope I go out tomorrow..TO DO ANYTHING! I just don't like being home during the weekend. I hardly am ever home during the weekend unless I have to be. Honestly. Many people can say that I'm never home cause they call and I'm not there and if I am I'm leaving or expected you to call OR I called you. See? That's how things work in my life. MY LIFE. I have nothing to say really. I'm bored. I need a drink. A lil' bit of the ol' Vodka. Yummy. I'm like, so spaztic right now I think I might fall over. I might. I'm tired yet wired. I want some wine. Some beer. Some anything. I WANT A DRINK DAMNIT. Maybe I'll go....take these "happy pills" this guy gave me......hehe. NO! No drugs...yes drugs....PSH. I don't even know what they are. I think I might take em'. Maybe. I don't know. I'm bored and depressed so I might. Maybe they'll give me something to do. And I can tweek out and stare at a wall. YES. That's what I'll do. It'll be better than writing a journal entry no one will probably read. Not that I give a shit or anything. *shifty eyes* KENDALL. See, I mentioned you although you didn't ask to be mentioned!!!! And much love to Amie, AMANDA (NOT A DORK DORK!), Stephen, Ryan, a guy named Todd (I SWEAR) Nora, Nadine, *twitch* Other people who read my journal and are nice to me..I'm having a name block right now...and I'm too lazy to type out everyone I didn't mention straight out. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO EVERYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =)
Well, I'm done writing for today. I'm like, all fizzled out now. I typed my hands raw. God I write a lot. Jeeeeze. Love to all <3<3<3<3
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| pssssssh |
[19 May 2004|08:22pm] |
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I'm soooo tired and can't be on for long cause I got like...tons of homework and sleep to catch up on. Yeah...I think I may sleep in the basement tonight cause...cause I'm crazy and want to be alone. *shrugs* I'm dealing with lots of shit on my mind and I need some time, away from people. Not this weekend but maybe next weekend I'll go somewhere...like not in maryland. Yeah. I'm thinking about it. Later monkey's.
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[18 May 2004|06:24pm] |
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mood |
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moody |
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music |
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Nine Inch Nails-Sin |
] |
I left school during 2nd block because I couldn't stop crying. Tears seemed to be the only thing I needed. I left and now I'm feeling better. I don't expect much from anyone anymore but apparently people DO care about me at school. Lol. Ironic isn't it? Here I was thinking no one did. I'm going to get though this even if it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I don't need help but sometimes I just need a hug, ha. No one gives me one though. Shit, I probably would reject it. Not this morning though. All I needed was someone to hug and I got shit. Oh well, beggers can't be choosers. Love you ALL. I will never leave any of you unless I have too. *hugs and kisses* <3<3<3 I'm glad to be alive.
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| ................................ |
[17 May 2004|05:24pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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Filter-Take a picture |
] |
I write down everything in this journal because I feel I need to tell the world about it. I don't expect a mountain of pity and I really don't expect anyone to be scared off either. This is me. Everything I say in here is from the heart. This is the only journal I've ever kept going and everyone can read it. Yes, these are my private thoughts but nothing is bad enough as that no one can read them. Yes, I cut. I've been cutting for over a year now. Some "friends" got me into it on a chorus fieldtrip and from the moment on I was hooked. I used it as a realese from the pain. It's better to feel one, pain then a whole shitload. When I got home from school today I collapsed on the floor and cried and cried all that was in me. I still feel like crying.I feel like I should....I shouldn't be here. Like I should have died and gone away years ago. Maybe I'm here for a reason. First I lost friends, then I lost religion, then I lost my sanity. Happiness didn't seem like an option anymore. Nothing makes sense anymore and my world is turned inside out. I'm not going to hide the fact that I have a problem anymore. I-I...I'm done writing for today. I'm out.
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| bah |
[17 May 2004|05:18pm] |
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I told my dad. Hard but I did it. I'm still all confused. I need...I need to talk to some people and get some thigns right...inside of me.
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| help me |
[17 May 2004|03:48pm] |
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I can't stop crying....I'm sitting here crying. Oh god, I keep cutting and cutting and I feel nothing. I'm so alone. I started crying in Latin and no one noticed. I cried on the bus no one noticed. I feel so alone....god.........I don't want to go on.......I wake up everyday......Every fucking day...wondering if today will be the day I finally am happy. I've been waiting ten years....where's my fucking parade....no one cares......fuck it.
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| FUCK |
[16 May 2004|04:16pm] |
FUCK EVERYONE! Fuck you and you and you and you oh yeah and FUCK YOU. Right now I don't give half a shit who you are EVERYONE SUCKS. Only like, 3 people didn't piss me off in some way today and I'd tell you who they are but some people who read this journal might flatter themselves and think they're one of the 3. Haha fuckin ha. Oh, and what is a "friend?" The only people that treat me shitty and only GIVE half a shit about me outside of school and ignore me in school unless I'm sitting down right next to them and the ones I don't see out of school treat me nicely and I love them for it. Is there something I should know? Maybe I'm not SUPPOSED to have friends. I had this whole "Oh I'm angry at this person" rant but I'd rather talk to them in person about it. I feel as if they treat me like shit without meaning to. Ugh, the person will know who they are soon enough. >_<
Oh can't you tell I'm in a bad mood?
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| ?_? |
[15 May 2004|06:55pm] |
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mood |
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 weird |
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| [ |
music |
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Maroon 5-She Will Be Loved |
] |
When's the last time I wrote in this? Two days ago I think. I think I'm gonna change my craptastic lay out soon because this one sucks majorly. Seeing people from Frederick at the mall today made me miss FHS...haha. I mean, I'm happy at Catoctin sorta but sometimes....I feel like I want to go back to Frederick. Isn't that odd? Not really. When something becomes such a part of your life it's truly hard to let go. Letting GOOOOOO. I'm eating salad. After I browse on the internet a bit I'm gonna go run...on...my...tredmill...I'm losing weight and it feels great. OK, now ONTO TODAY.
I went to the mall with Amie and Ryan. We ran into Kendall and we ate at the Italian oven. It was fun. You can spend four hours at the mall with the same people and not be bored. Oh wait, was I bored?? Nope. I've spent WAAAY to much time at that mall over the years I've been on this earth.
Blah. I'm tired. The tredmill, shower, and sleep will be the rest of my night. I'm beat. Too much walking this weekend. haha.
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| foo |
[14 May 2004|07:04pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
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music |
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Something Corporate-Space |
] |
I didn't do anything today. Littlerly. Anna was supposed to come over but I didn't go to school so she couldn't. I was sad. I wanted something to dooooo. Alas I am stuck sleeping some more. Sleeping and sleeping. I hate feeling bad. I have to go to school tomorrow regardless of how I feel. *blink* Later. ANd I KNOW it says I'm posting in the future but I did that on accident. Lol.
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| Woot |
[13 May 2004|03:38pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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I had a weird day. In the morning I wanted to cry but by the afternoon I was soooo happy. I talked to people on the bus too and my bus driver was AMAZED. lol. I'm trying to come out of my shell. It's not that easy.
Today during art I had the most interesting conversation between myself, Amber, and Kelly. Actually had a free period so we talked the whole time. Yeah......half day tomorrow. Happy. I don't want to deal with a full day. Full days make me sad. Haha. And I like Art...Latin is fucking stupid. Oh, and cowboy I meant what I said about the whole ignoring thing BUT I also don't make an effort to come over and talk to you. *shrugs* You seem to talk to the same people before class each day and I don't feel like interupting your happy. Haha. Your happy. Psh. I need some sleep.
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| I am suuuch a lesbian |
[12 May 2004|03:31pm] |
I AM....I just wanted to say that. I'm actually bi but guys are just....meh. MEH I SAY! I like girl sex. I don't want it so bad today but yesterday I was dying for some. Haha. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I'm gonna be really weird right now and say:
I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls I like girls
I DOOOOOO! YAY! *dances* Everyone at my new school knows it. GUys constantly ask me if I'm a lesbian. SO WHAT IF I AM!?! Haha. I'd rather fuck a girl than their sorry ass. I showed everyone in art (not everyone really) Queer as folk and they all freaked out. They don't like gay people much. DAMN THEM. I treat everyone the same. Sooooo, who cares if someone is gay? All my friends...that are guys, are either gay or have serious sexual problems. Like, all my friends are hot but they're gay. Especially this dude I met at a concert. H-O-T. Gay however. Good kisser though. We were kinda drunk. Lol. Weeeee. Ok, I'm gonna go do stuff now.
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| Yuuuuuum |
[12 May 2004|03:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Avenged Sevenfold-I won't see you tonight |
] |
I have a box of girl scout cookies sitting next to me and I want to eat them but I'm worried about calorie intake. Intake, intake intake. My day sucked and I was pissed off at EVERYONE for no reason. Woah, I'm a little psycho aren't I? LYRIC TIME!!!
I was never faithful
And I was never one to trust
Bordelining schizo
And guaranteed to cause a fuss
I was never loyal
Except to my own pleasure zone
I'm forever black-eyed
A product of a broken home
I was never faithful
And I was never one to trust
Bordeline bipolar
Forever biting your nuts
I was never grateful
That's why I spent my days alone
I'm forever black-eyed
A product of a broken home
Broken home
Black-eyed, black-eyed
Black-eyed, black-eyed
Black-eyed, black-eyed
Black-eyed, black-eyed
I was never faithful
And I was never one to trust
Bordeling schizo
And guaranteed to cause a fuss
I was never loyal
Except to my own pleasure zone
I'm forever black-eyed
A product of a broken home
Broken home
Black-eyed, black-eyed
Black-eyed, black-eyed
Black-eyed, black-eyed
Black-eyed, black-eyed
Broken home
Black-eyed
Broken home
Black-eyed
Broken home
Black-eyed
Broken home
Black-eyed
Um...that song rocks. It's MY song. bwahaha. Psh, I'm gonna stop now. Maybe I'll type more later.
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| me and my wifes big day out |
[11 May 2004|08:16pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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Republica- Ready to go |
] |
I didn't write about this yesterday because I'm an odd one. Sunday was tre' cool and all. Cause you know like, me and Kendall met at the mall and did shit.
First we went to Sam Goody and laughed at the prices. They were stupid. I can't believe I ever bought anything from there. It's all like 20+ dollars and there sale prices suck as well. Everything about that store sucks in some odd way.
Then we went to Walden books. I got the play boy photograph book and read it in the kid section. It was fun. And I read some scary stories and replaced the names with Kendall's and mine. That was cool too. Then we looked at the sex books. Most sex positions look hard. VERY hard. haha.
Then we did some stuff. Ate at the italian oven and have Dougizzle as our waiter. He had a nice ass. We tipped him two dollars although I wanted to tip him 5 because of his izzleness. Weeeee. I'm a nut. We got this coffee things too. That's about it. It was fun. I hope to do it again someday.
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shroomsforsale's journal